If you have a difficult time getting aroused or you feel like your sex life is stale, it may be because you simply aren’t turned on by the activities you’re doing. In our culture, we are taught to define sex as sexual intercourse and little else. Think about how sex is represented in the media, in the films and TV shows we watch. Most of the time it comes down to about five minutes of vigorous activity and that’s the whole of it. Not all people find satisfaction that way, however, and both men and women can become bored with sex if they do not understand their own erotic identities. There are many facets to consider when you’re trying to learn about your sexuality. The question certainly goes far beyond sexual orientation. The sexual personalities of individuals can be as unique as each person.
How do you discover your sexual personality? Some people can be aware of what they want and need from their sex lives simply by asking themselves some questions, while others don’t even need to think about it. Still other people don’t figure out what interests them except through experience. Regardless, it helps to take some time to think about what’s important to you in your sex life. Here are just a few questions to ask yourself.
- How do you define sex? Is sex to you interchangeable with sexual intercourse? Or do you include other types of sex (oral or anal) in your definition? Is sex anything which can give you an orgasm and which involves another person? Does sex cover an umbrella of activities that make you hot? What about foreplay?
- What’s your goal with sex? Is it to have an orgasm? To have a good time? To explore your relationship with another person? To feel close and connected to a loved one? To release inhibitions? To express your passion?
- How often do you like to engage in sexual activities? Do you like to have sex every day, or are you more of a one-time-a-week person? A once-every-few-months person? Or do you prefer sexual activities to be seamlessly integrated into everyday life? Do you see a boundary between normal activities and sexual episodes, or is your sexuality interwoven through your life?
- Is sex interlinked with love for you? Can you be turned on by sex with someone you don’t love, or are you only aroused by someone you have deep emotions for? Can you enjoy a satisfying sex life with someone you aren’t intimate with in other ways, or is sex an expression of your love for someone?
- Would your sex life be more fun or interesting if you integrated other activities? For example, roleplay, adult games, etc.? Do you have any fetishes? If you do, are they necessary in order for you to enjoy sex? Are they the primary source of enjoyment for you or are they secondary to straightforward sexual activity? As part of your sexuality, do they also play a broader role in your life?
How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex
It’s common to feel some trepidation about approaching your partner about sex if you’re unsatisfied. You may worry your partner will think you are laying the blame on him or her, or that you want to find someone else. Or you may be concerned that your partner will judge you. If your partner really is the great person you think, however, he or she will not judge you and will strive to understand. It’s very important when you talk to your partner about sex that you make it clear that you do find him or her attractive, and that it’s your desire to be closer to your partner and share with your partner that is motivating you to try and make changes to your sex life.
Your sexual identity goes far beyond your orientation, to also include why you enjoy sex, what gets you hot, and what it brings into your life. Oftentimes your sexual personality says something about who you are as a whole and what drives you in life outside the bedroom. By sharing your sexual personality with your partner and exploring your sexualities together, you can learn more about each other in general and enjoy a closer relationship which includes a deeper understanding and greater appreciation of each others’ many facets.
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