If you’re having trouble getting your lady to have an orgasm, the first thing you should do is relax. This doesn’t point toward inadequacy on your part, and it doesn’t mean that something is (necessarily) horribly wrong with your relationship. There are a lot of different reasons you could be having difficulties, and it’s not that you’re “doing it wrong,” and it doesn’t mean your partner isn’t attracted to you. The last thing you want to do is build anxiety up around the issue and create drama where there shouldn’t be any. There is no tried and true formula for making any woman on earth achieve an orgasm. Women’s bodies differ a great deal, and so does sexuality. Since sex is a highly individualized experience, that means that you need to look at your relationship and your partner to figure out what to do.
Why Can’t She Have an Orgasm?
Firstly, consider why your partner can’t have an orgasm. Is it a simple timing issue? Do you reach your climax way before she does? If so, you’re dealing with a premature ejaculation issue. Again, this doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you; you just need to work out the timing issues. There are a lot of ways you can do this. Try spending more time with foreplay, or doing Kegel exercises so that you can last longer. Or you can try the start-and-stop method. Or perhaps changing your approach to sex can help out. An orgasm is the result of arousal, but it isn’t the entire goal of the sexual experience for everyone. If you can slow down and enjoy the journey, you may have better luck reaching the destination with your partner.
Is the reason your partner can’t have an orgasm physiological? Some women can’t actually have orgasms—or haven’t figured out how yet. This is sometimes caused by a medical problem, but that’s relatively rare. In some cases, medications can help. For many women however it’s a matter of not having reached the proper level of tension or relaxation during sex. Kegel exercises can help here too; this time though it’s your partner who needs to try them out. Focusing on increasing tension in the buttocks and thighs can often help with achieving an orgasm.
Sometimes the reason your partner can’t have an orgasm comes down to technique. This may be the case if for example she can have an orgasm while masturbating but can’t have one while having sex with you. Again, try to steer away from the idea that you’re doing something “wrong,” because it’s not like there’s a single right way to have sex, go down on your partner, or give your partner a handjob. One thing a lot of men don’t understand about women’s bodies is that women’s genitals are all very distinctive. There are major structural differences in the placements of nerves down there, and what gets one woman off may do absolutely nothing for another.
What’s the best way to get around this? One idea is to watch your partner masturbate, if that’s something you’re both comfortable doing. Watch what she does, and then try doing the same thing. She can show you right where the sensitive nerve bundles are. You can also ask her to give you verbal feedback while you’re performing—specific feedback, that is. There’s nothing wrong with following instructions. You can also both try experimenting. Your partner can experiment herself while masturbating, and you can experiment with your partner, trying different positions and movements to see what effect they have. Another idea is to have your partner masturbate while you’re having sex. She may be able to make up for some of the poor precision—which again you shouldn’t blame on yourself.
The issue could also have something to do with arousal. There can be a lot of reasons that your partner has problems getting aroused. Again, the issue could be a relationship problem or something related to mental illness. The problem may also have to do with a lack of foreplay. If there isn’t a lot of intimacy in your physical activities together (in and out of the bedroom), this doesn’t necessarily create a conducive atmosphere for arousal. Brushing up on foreplay skills and putting more effort into the relationship altogether may help. Performance anxiety can also play a role however, so whatever you do, try not to make a fuss about it. Sex should be fun, so do your best to have fun, and try not to worry too much about achieving an orgasm. It’s much more likely to happen if you don’t make it the end-all-be-all of sexual experience, and even if it doesn’t, you’re more likely to enjoy a fulfilling sex life together.
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