One thing you have to learn on your own in life is oral sex. Or do you? Going down on a woman isn’t something that comes naturally to men for the most part. This is for the simple reason that you can’t possibly know exactly what you’re supposed to be doing when you’re down there, because your genitals are obviously completely different from your partner’s. What can be even more frustrating is when you think you’ve got things down with one partner, only to find that when you have a new partner, the tricks you’ve learned with the previous partner don’t seem to apply. How do you know when you’re doing a good job with oral sex? Are there tips which can help in any situation with any partner? Do you really have to learn how to give great oral sex all by yourself?
Reading Nonverbal Cues
One thing you can focus on while you’re performing is your partner’s nonverbal cues. This can help you to determine her level of arousal. Reactions to arousal aren’t entirely the same from person to person, but it’s usually the subtlest signs which are the most reliable, since these are unconscious. For example, try to notice whether her body feels warmer and whether her heart rate or breathing have accelerated. What about the tension in her muscles, especially in the pelvic and abdominal area? Are there any contractions in her pelvic muscles?
Don’t Rely on Nonverbal Cues
Wait a second … don’t rely on nonverbal cues? How does that work, if you are supposed to be looking for a real indication of your success? Well, here’s the thing which a lot of partners seem to skip out: actually communicating. You don’t have to learn about oral sex all on your own. You have your partner! If you aren’t actively communicating about oral sex, then you’re missing out on the easiest way to become really good at it.
Why do so many people miss out? There are probably a lot of different explanations for it. One might be that there are culturally ingrained ideas about sex, like that we’re all supposed to be good at it without getting any education, and that we’re not really supposed to talk about it, even with our partners. Some people think that talking about oral sex is an admission that they aren’t good at it, which then brings on a feeling of shame. There’s no cause for this shame, however, for the reasons we’ve discussed. You can’t be expected to know how to give great oral sex without some instruction. Not only because you’re not a woman, but because every woman is different. Even if you were great with giving oral sex to a past partner, your current partner may be totally different.
Good Practices for Oral Sex
There’s no single “right” way to have oral sex, but there are some suggestions that can help pretty much anyone. The first among them is good hygiene. If you want your partner to go down on you, by all means, be clean down there. Don’t come home after a hard day of physical labor, all sweaty and smelly, and expect her to give you great oral sex. And likewise, you have the right to expect your partner to wash up before you go down on her. On a related matter, shaving can be helpful for oral sex, firstly because it’s hard to keep hair on that part of the body clean, and secondly because it makes access easier, especially on women. If your partner is open to shaving, great—but if she isn’t, don’t push the issue. Lots of people hate shaving down there because the skin down there is very sensitive.
Another good practice for oral sex is to be creative. This doesn’t so much involve tremendous amounts of mental effort as it does simply dropping inhibitions and being willing to explore and experiment and see what happens. Don’t just do the same thing over and over again, or you will probably bore your partner. Don’t zone in on the clitoris and ignore the rest of her genitals. Try different things and broaden your focus and ask for feedback.
With time and practice, you and your partner can both become great at oral sex. Instead of just expecting things to suddenly “work,” or thinking there’s a single way to do things “right,” try communication. You’ll be a lot happier once you do, since you’ll both enjoy more satisfying sex and you also may become more comfortable with each other and trusting of one another.
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